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one year ago...
did you remember?
...i did.
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omg take me home
i am so sick of school. actually that's not true. im just sick in general. *sigh.*
i know no one will believe this, but after friday things started to get better with jeff. he's gradually becoming a generally happier, nicer, and more open person. we'll see how long it lasts. he was at my house most of the weekend because his family was beating him up. yeah.
we're preforming at the Bible conference tomorrow night. i'm excited.
julie got an email from yoni [the 22-year-old jewish guy she's been close to dating] that said he might be moving to indy. she cried. i laughed. but not until she left.
i kind of want to run away. but i wont.
god, i want coffee.
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didn't make the play.
wasn't entirely disappointed. wasn't even sure i wanted to be in it. a little annoied that i thought i was any good, but that's alright. a little pissed that i'm going to have to listen to julie for the next six weeks about it.
aaron voight told someone directly affiliated with my church that im bisexual. fucker.
jeff wants me to run away with him to south dakota. wtf is in south dakota?
i feel like ive lost my two best friends. niether have time for me and when they do im with jeff who gets pissy because they both are a "threat." fuck.
and the fucker was trying to pressure me again to give him a blow job today. i didnt see him, we were talking on the phone, but he kept pushing. finally i was like, "why do oyu feel like you have to pressure me into things?" and he just apologised over and over. Damn it.
I feel so empty. At least I'm over my complacency.
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Meh.
So it's finally sinking in that Jeff is getting WAY to clingy. He has to tell me he loves me at least 40 times every half hour. He doesn't want to do anything without holding my hand. His favorite thing to do it tell me how amazing and exciting I am and how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and the most amazing girl his met in his entire eighteen-year-old life. And how I'm the first girl he's been able to sweet-talk. -_-;;
I'm frusterated. And I want out of a serious relationship. I'm sick of them. I love Jeff. I do. But I don't want to love him. I want to date, not go steady.
But if I told him any of this he'd either start shooting up again or would blow his own brains on the wall. Damn you, Mandi Jo.
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IM BACK!
Did you miss me? Of course you did. BUT~! OMG CRAZY THINGS ARE HAPPENING!! +_+;; In the past week Jeff has spent approximately $1000 on me. No, that's not a type-o. I don't think I've even seen that much money at one time. x_x;; We've been going out a lot this week, so there was basic expenses with that (food and gas and such) and then yesterday he brings me this gorgeous diamond ring and then today he shows up at my door with a new guitar. WOAH! REALITY CHECK!! He just got fired from his last job. He gets his last paycheck tomorrow. WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING TO GET ALL HIS MONEY?!?! X_______x;;; He spends it all on me! Practically all of his WalMart paychecks have gone to things for me or funds to do things with me. AND! That's not all, no! That's not all!! Not only has he totally CEASED all sexual activity that I don't initiate [thank God,] but he actually quit his band. Why? Becasue Mom got upset when se heard him blairing his music, and he decided since Mother hates heavy metal that he had to quit because he would rather have my parents' approval than a heavy metal band. His band = his hearts blood. He wants to start another band with softer rock, but I know he prefers playing metal. Bleh. Someone tell me what to think. :/
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for your viewing pleasure...
1] What is your pen name? Mandi Michael
2] How did you get the name? If I were born in Ethiopia, for my last name I would use my father's first name. There you go.
3] Do you use PC or Mac? I so prefer Mac.
4] What software you use most often? Photoshop 7 and Photoshop CS
5] Do you use mouse, or tablet? I'm poor, but I have every intention of buying a tablet when I can.
6] The color you use most often is? Hm... a lot of black and grey...
7] What area of the pictures do you put most effort into? the human body, dmanit >_<;
8] How long does it take you do draw a picture? That depends on the picture. Dugh.
9] Do you keep your rough drafts? sometimes...
10] What kind of font do you use most often? Verdana. ^_^ and arial narrow. It's cute ^^;;
11] What's the dpi when you scan? depending on what it's for, usually either 600 or 300 dpi.
12] Do you do anything else when you're drawing pictures? I drink a lot of tea x_x;; and I like to interact with people when I'm working. All my computer work is accompanied by AIM.
13] How many pictures do you draw in a month? It depends on how much time I have and whether or not I'm blocking x_X
14] What kind of paper do you draw your pictures on? I'm a rebel. I use computer paper.
15] What kind of paper do you use for sketches and drafts? Ditto.
16] How long does it take to ink something? My pictures are very diverse in size and detail, so I can't really answer this. [That and I have no concept of time when I'm working. I dowork rather fast, though.]
17] Do you do doujinshi or original manga? I hate doujinshi. I do all original manga. >_o
18] Do you like doujinshi? did I not just answer that? o_O
19] Ever submitted anything to a magazine? Not yet.
20] Did it get published? bleh.
21] Who are your favorite artists? I really don't have a favorite, but I admire Van Gogh a lot.
22] What's your favorite Anime/Manga? Oh dear. I don't have a favorite of that, either. My favorite manga is X/1999 by CLAMP...
23] Favorite Character? SATSUKI! XD
24] Any artists that you'd like to draw like? I'd like to have Michalangelo's patience.
25] Do you buy books a lot? Only for class. I have been reading a lot more lately, though... I love literature.
26] Did you ever buy a book to inspire you to draw? Not really for that purpose, but I do get inspired by literature. ^_^
27] Any video games you enjoy? DDR. Peroriod.
28] Any favorite characters from video games? Meph?
29] Do you have a favorite writer? I guess Douglass Adams... *Shrugs*
30] Any books you really enjoy? Hitchiker's Trilogy. ^_^
31] Do you write fanfics? Bleh. No way.
32] Any music that you often listen to while drawing? It depends on my mood and the nature of the art.
33] Any recommended songs? Totally. "The Dream of Even and Chan" by Dntel.
34] Any websites that you totally admire? Oh yes. Everybody Poops. XD
35] Do you have any sites you want to go to everyday? Blogs, DeviantArt, Pitas, Google, Subframe.net, Usually Getty Images...
36] What is your dream site like? Not sure... If I knew I would make it.
37] Do you like your own art? sometimes I do.
38] What do you enjoy watching on TV? Shows about the gay/lesbien community... that's really about it.
39] Favorite celebrity? Christina Agulara is HOTT but her music sucks.
40] Favorite color? Charcoal. And green.
41] Favorite food? Seafood. ^_^ [esp. Shrimp Sushi! :9]
42] Favorite drink? Green Tea.
43] Any places you like to shop at? Not particularly, although I hang out at Barnes and Noble a lot...
44] Can you cook? Um, in the microwave. x_X;
45] Any programs you use often for email? Any electronic pets? Nyan? No.
46] Are you a computer expert? Heh... I know html and graphic design. That's about it.
47] Want to become a professional artist? Maybe a pro Graphic Designer, but I love to write too...
48] Any other jobs you're interested in, besides an illustrator? Ha. I want to work for a magazine.
49] Any other specialties besides drawing? Writing, editing, webdesign, blah.
50] Do you like to watch movies? sometimes.
51] What's your favorite movie? Labyrinth. ^_^
52] Have you ever entered art contests? Yup.
53] When did you start drawing seriously? When I was 4. Seriously.
54] Anything that you often use as a reference when you draw? Life.
55] Have you met any of your online fans? HA! what's this "fan" business? O_o;
56] You have a lot of pen pals? I have some...
57] You have a lot of friends who draw? Almost all of them. ^_^v
58] What time do you usually go online? when I can.
59] Do you like to go to chat rooms? Never tried. *shrugs* I'm kind of antisocial.
60] Do you have your own computer? nope.
61] What would you say to the person you admire? Hey. I admire you.
62] Do you think of things when you draw? wtf does that mean?
63] Have you drawn badly because you think too much? Oh yes.
64] Do you have any friends who are professionals? nope.
65] Where do you often hang out? Two Bit Bandit [the arcade]
66] Do you have any artists that you don't like too much? Heh, yes.
67] Situations in which you really don't like being online? When someone is trying to call. Although not so much anymore since I have my cell phone...
68] Situations in which you hate when it comes to having websites? When no one sees mu shit and I get sad ;_;
69] Something that makes you really glad that the internet exists? people who have mad webdesign skills. And megatokyo. XD
70] What about things that make you NOT glad that the internet exists?
godhatesgays.com.
71] What’s the first picture you've ever shown to the public online? Uh... I don't remember.
72] Do you still have that? maybe... probably not...
73] Has your drawing style changed a lot? Immensely.
74] How does it usually change? I got better. Dugh.
75] Have you experienced artists block before? I live in an artist's block.
76] How did you escape from it? I haven't. any suggestions?
77] What happens when you have artists block? bleh.
78] Any artists that have influenced you a lot? bleh.
79] What made you start drawing? CRAYONS!!!
80] What made you want to get a website? Actually, Dad wanted me to learn html. So I did.
81] Where did your site name come from? feuchsia = me.
82] What do you think about net manners? NO TACT = BAD. DIE, TACKTLESS BITCH.
83] Have you ever been spammed? Of course. Stupid internet perverts.
84] Ever thought about quitting your webpage? Sort of.
85] If so, why? Eh, arental issues.
86] About how much KB is each picture? depends on the picture. Why do you ask me to make such vague generalities about my art?! >_<;;
87] When creating your site, do you use a program or pure html? Pure HTML. Dugh.
88] Do you have good eyesight? I'm 4-eyed! ~o-o~ <-my glasses! ^_^
89] If you can get any person's autograph, who's would you get? Autographs re STUPid.
90] What would you say to that artist when he/she autographs for you? Autographs re STUPid.
91] Do you have fans of your art? A few.
92] Do you like to draw on oekaki bbs? Never tried.
93] Are you good at art in school? Sometimes. AP's a bitch.
94] Did you take art lessons other than from school? I took a cartooning course once and got nothing out of it. I'm mostly self-taught.
95] Have you drawn a manga? I'm in the process of writing two...
96] What's your favorite phrase/quote? "Sonna wo cool no kimi wa plastic..." ~Gackt ^^;
97] Do you think your personality is different externally and internally? Ha. That whole duality thing. Shut it.
98] What's your goal now? To kill my sweat glands. [I'm taking steroids for that...]
99] What do you have to say to yourself? Sorry for the Inconvenience. --God
100] Lastly, what do you have to say to everyone? You all suck. I hate people.
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matt looks 12 x_X;;
Yeah. He got his hair cut [which he needed to do] but he definately looks like a 12-year-old. x_x;; ick. owell.
sean, are you still interested in coming to sig next year? i found out a friend from church called about it and the waiting list is only for freshmen and the senior class still has open spots. [sadly, if she comes to school I'll definately have to go back in the closet -- is that possible?? o_O;;]
damnit. progress reports come out today. damnit.
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are we better yet?
o good. Sean, Coronto fixed itself. ^^;;
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odd.
For some unexplicable reason, I feel completely and utterly at peace right now. It's odd, not 5 minutes I was on the verge of tears. My heart still feels heavy, but the rest of me just feels numbed. I'm almost smiling.
My guardian angel is looking out for me.
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i don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now...
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Remember this song, Sean? Of all the acts at the Signature talent show last April [in thirteen days it would be a year ago to the day] aside from the ketchup/mustard fight, this act held the most meaning. I wasn't really ever sure why. I recently found an MP3 of it, however, and realized that this song is somehow very important to me.
Sometimes Matt can say the sweetest things. "You know, when she gets that look, and nothing else in the world matters except that look..."
I never wanted to be an obstical in Sean's search to find a boyfriend. I'm sorry, Sean.
It's been nearly 5 months. And that's too long. I'm sorry I can't let go.
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Survey time.
from unnoticed.
1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"Then one morning I awoke to a dull, gray sky and a..."
2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
A wall that I'm sure at one time was white... now it has grayed with age and is covered in pencil and crayon.
3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Wow. I can't even remember.
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
I'm guessing about 12:45.
5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
12:43. Bleh.
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Ms. Goodridge talking among her students. A girl talks above the others until a boy's voice competes. Then everyone raises the volume into a muffled mess. Ms. Hawley says somthing I don't undersand -- it's Spanish. Chairs grind against the tile floor. My fingers pushing the keys are the loudest.
7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I stepped outside from the commons and tried to stop my heart from poundind in my chest.
9: What are you wearing?
my strawberry shoes, embroidered capris, a yellow buttondown shirt over a gray tanktop with hibiscus flowers and a gray newsboy-style hat I made. The hat is too big for me and flops around funny, but I like it because no one else will ever have one quite like it.
10: Did you dream last night?
I don't remember.
11: When did you last laugh?
About 20 minutes ago when Jabez called Julie a man
12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
An ad for the Sig School Chair auction, a sign that says "Mechanical Room" in both the Roman Alphabet and Braille, A Boston Pencil Sharpener, A wall plug that was installed upside-down, a lightswitch. And a wallhanging Whitney made from old junk.
13: Seen anything weird lately?
Nothing impresses me anymore.
14: What is the last film you saw?
I started watching the Time Machine, but didn't finish it... I've seen it like 5 times anyway.
16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A bag of dark chocolate hurshey kisses.
17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
I believe in Atlantis.
18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I'd get rid of religion.
19: Do you like to dance?
I enjoy slow dancing a lot, although most people don't realize this.
20: George Bush: is he really doing Dick Cheney?
No. Bush hates gays.
21a: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Lilith
21b: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Johnathan Amadeus
22: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
I honestly can't see myself living anywhere but the states.
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so yeah... i kissed a girl...
o_O;; Heh... heh heh...
Jabez [Laine's random british boyfriend]came to school today. He was taking pictures of me, laine, ash, and julie all acting like hookers and we were all joking about making out with each other. Then laine goes, "okay, Jay? You have 3 seconds." And she pulled me over and kissed me!! X_x;;; He tried to take a picture but because his hands were shaking so bad it turned out all blurry >_o;; Julie started spazming and ash was cracking up. I was just kind of in a state of shock.
It was neat.
I think on our double date "Truth or Dare" is in order. definately.
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its sad.
i looked at people with the same imood as me and all but maybe 3 had the 'cat' icon put with catty. The cat is smiling. >_o; I hate you, corporate america.
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meph.
yeah. i got my allergy shot on tuesday. my hott nurse was there. my arm swelled up. it still hurts. maybe this is god telling me to quit being a lustful little bitch. [god: you have one, baka! xP] Anyway.
Sean, I can't believe you wrecked. You are so giving me details later. Was it our fault? Good luck on your test.
I have been so annoied with everyone for the past couple days. Like, I've been mean and blowing up at people. they all think im joking. im not. i really am sick of all of them.
Going to see Sean in the play tonight. Proves to be special. Bosse productions always suck. [No offense, Sean.] I've heard this one is better than most of them, though. *shrugs*
Meeting Jabez after school. Yay for hot British boys. Also promises to be special.
J. Alfred Prufrock is gay. I promise. You just don't see it.
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it all worked out! XD
omg. x_x; Matt didn't dump me! In fact, he didn't get mad!! XD He was pretty hurt, but things are better now. He picked me up after play practice and then we drove around and talked a bit. I cried a bit. Then mom called. "Is he eating dinner with us?" "sure!" so he did. And we hungout a bit longer in my room. It was neat. And my cell phone turns off my sterio. o_O;; It was freakish. X_x;;;
but the point is IM NOT SINGLE! XDDDDDD
[f you don't know, don't bother asking.]
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...
She is frequently kind
and she's suddenly cruel...
She can do as she pleases,
She's nobody's fool...
And she can't be convicted,
she's earned her degree...
And the most she will do
is throw shadows at you
but she's always a woman to me...
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yay for Seki~Ray!
Chapter 3 is up. Go see. click on the title. There should be 3 chapters uploaded. ^_^
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and i dont want the world to see me, 'cause i dont think htat they'd understand...
'cause you can't fight the tears that ain't comin',
or the moment of truth in your lies.
when everything feels like the movies,
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.
You know what's odd? I got an email from Matt, and it almost made me cry. Not because he's ther eand I'm here. Not because I miss him. No. I was upset because I am somehow dating someone who can't spell "were." The lack of intellectually stimulating conversation does occasionally bother me to great extents. Why? I feel so shallow...
I mean, it's not like I'm some sort of genius... but I always wanted someone who was...
It's my birthday tomorrow. I have no idea what we are doing. I was thinking maybe picnic at Wessleman's, but I'm afraid it might rain... I'll call everyone in the morning.
Actually, I hope it does rain. I hope it pours.
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while skimming over tara's..
Here are twenty questions. Break it down and answer them HONESTLY. Have fun, too.
First Ten....All About You
#1) What do you wish was your name?:
Hm.. I would change my last name to "Michael." I wouldn't change my first, it works for me ^_^
#2) What song seems to reflect you the most?:
Either "Existence" by Kevin Max or "Strawberry Fieds Forever" By the Beatles. Depends on my mood. ^^;
#3) What thing always makes your day when it happens/ you see it?:
When people randomly show up at my door or places where am. ^_^
#4) If you could change one of your qualitites, what would it be and why?:
Call me shallow, my nose. Or perhaps my over-active sweat glands, but they are much better than they used to be. I also wish I wasn't so hard to make content.
#5) What in your life influences you the most?:
My friends. OMG my friends.
#6) What has been your wildest/best/most interesting fantasy? Has it come true?:
Heh, I plead the 5th.
#7) Which feature of yours do you love? Which do you hate?:
I love my ability to write well. I never really clinged to this until recently. I do wish i looked incredible different, though.
#8) If you had to have a picture be your symbol, what would it be and why?:
A drop of rain. Meaningless without a million drops of rain.
#9) What would you title the movie or soundtrack of your life?:
'Fathom.' Thanks, Sean ^_^
#10) What are you most dissapointed with so far?:
The way I feel about other people. I disappoint myself a lot.
Next Five....About Others
#1) What one quality makes a person worth being around?:
It really depends on the person. Take Sean for example. Some of the things that make him amazing to me would really be annoying in anyone else. *shrugs*
#2) What one thing about a friend always pisses you off?:
I'm with Tara. Lack of tact.
#3) Ok, now vent your worst people experience:
I would rather not.
#4) What is a major turn on?:
Someone who doens't annoy me. I know that sounds odd, but there are only a select few who dont. x_x;;
#5) If you could create the perfect person, what three qualities would they
have and what would they look like?:
Sean, but bisexual. ;_;
Last Five....About Life
#1) What confuses you the most about life?:
Breathing. I've neverunderstood breathing.
#2) What's one thing that goes on that makes you wanna scream?:
Unforgiveness. It hurts that people can't step out of the past, including myself. We all have grudges we can't get past.
#3) Which matters more, people's words or actions?Why?:
Words. I would rather live in a world of dillusion and think the best of people than throw them down for what they do. The best is when words and actions do not contradct.
#4) Does love really make the world go round? Is love present in today's world?:
Love is only half of hate.
#5) What one issue is most important to you?:
The death penalty, Gay Rights, Disgarding the Art programs
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